Picture this: Eight-year-old Maya sits frozen at her desk when her teacher asks a simple question. Her shoulders are hunched, her breathing is shallow, and she looks like a deer caught in headlights. Meanwhile, across the room, ten-year-old Jackson can't sit still – he's fidgeting, tapping, and seems ready to bolt from his chair at any moment.
What you're witnessing isn't defiance or attention-seeking behavior. You're seeing two nervous systems that have learned to survive in a world that once felt unsafe.
Understanding the Body's Story
Children from hard places, whether they've experienced abuse, neglect, difficult births, early hospitalizations, or family trauma, carry these experiences not just in their memories, but in their bodies. Their nervous systems have adapted to survive, creating protective responses that made perfect sense in dangerous situations but may no longer serve them in safe environments.The groundbreaking Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study revealed something profound: 66% of people have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience, and the effects ripple through their entire lives (Felitti et al., 1998). But here's what's hopeful – understanding how trauma lives in the body opens up new pathways for healing, and one of the primary ways that trauma lives in the body is through nervous system responses getting stuck.
When Survival Responses Get Stuck
Every child's nervous system has three primary responses to perceived threat:
Fight: This might look like hitting, kicking, yelling, or engaging in power struggles. The child's system is saying, "I need to protect myself through aggression."
Flight: Running away, hiding, restlessness, or constant fidgeting. Their body is saying, "I need to escape this situation."
Freeze: Zoning out, seeming to ignore you, holding their breath, or appearing frozen. Their system has decided, "I can't fight or flee, so I'll shut down to survive."
These responses become problematic when they get stuck. A child who experienced repeated trauma may find their nervous system trapped in one of these states, unable to return to a place of calm and connection.
The Nervous System's Two Main Players
To understand how these survival responses get trapped, it helps to know a bit about how our nervous system actually works. Think of the nervous system like a car with a gas pedal and brake:
The sympathetic nervous system is like the gas pedal – it activates when threat is perceived, revving up the body for fight or flight responses.
The parasympathetic nervous system acts like the brake – it activates when safety is perceived, allowing the body to rest, digest, and connect with others.
For children from hard places, that gas pedal often gets stuck down, leaving them in a constant state of activation. Or sometimes, the system becomes so overwhelmed that it shuts down completely, like a car that's overheated and can't run at all.For children from hard places, this delicate balance between gas and brake often gets disrupted, pushing them outside their natural 'window of tolerance.'
The Window of Tolerance
Imagine each child has a "window of tolerance" – a zone where they feel calm, curious, and capable of learning and connecting. Trauma can make this window very narrow. Some children live above their window (hyperactivated, anxious, aggressive), while others live below it (shut down, disconnected, lethargic).The beautiful news? This window can be widened through nervous system regulation. To help children navigate back into their window of tolerance, we need to give them a new language - the language of their own body.
The Language of Sensation
Traditional therapy often focuses on talking about feelings and thoughts. Somatic healing recognizes that children (and adults) also need to learn the language of their bodies. Instead of just asking "How do you feel?" we might explore:
- "What do you notice in your body right now?"
- "Does that feeling have a texture – is it rough or smooth?"
- "If you could give that sensation a color, what would it be?"
This helps children develop what we call "interoception" – the ability to sense what's happening inside their bodies. It's like giving them a roadmap to their own internal experience.Once children begin to develop this body awareness, we can introduce specific tools to help regulate their nervous systems.
Practical Somatic Tools for Children
The most powerful tool we have as the adults in these kiddos’ lives is modeling. Children's developing nervous systems naturally mirror the adults around them. When we stay regulated in the face of their big emotions, we're teaching their nervous system that safety is possible.
Once we feel like we have gotten to a place of regulation ourselves, we can begin to offer other nervous system tools to kids:
Grounding techniques help children connect with the present moment through their bodies:
- The 5-4-3-2-1 game (5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, etc.)
- Feeling feet on the floor or back against a chair
- Hand tracing exercises
- "Roots" imagery, imagining growing roots into the ground
Orienting practices help children connect with their environment:
- Slow, mindful looking around the room
- "I Spy" games that encourage gentle head movement
- Noticing colors, shapes, and textures in their surroundings
Discharge activities help complete stuck fight/flight responses:
- For fight energy: pillow slams, claw hands like a lion, punching bags
- For flight energy: running in place, dancing, shaking movements
- For freeze states: gentle rocking, co-regulation through calm presence, mirrored breathing
Building Resilience, One Sensation at a Time
Remember, the goal isn't to eliminate all stress responses – we need our nervous system's ability to activate when real danger is present. Instead, we're helping children develop a resilient nervous system that can flow between activation and rest, like gentle rolling hills rather than steep cliffs.This work takes time and patience. Children's nervous systems heal in relationship – through consistent, attuned connections with safe adults who can remain calm when they cannot.
The Ripple Effect
When we help one child regulate their nervous system, the effects ripple outward. They bring this increased capacity for regulation into their relationships with siblings, friends, and eventually their own children. We're not just healing individual trauma – we're breaking intergenerational cycles and building more resilient communities.
Every child deserves to feel safe in their own body. Through somatic healing approaches, we can help children from hard places move from mere survival to truly thriving – one regulated moment at a time.
Ready to learn more about supporting children from hard places through nervous system regulation? Join us for an in-depth training where we'll explore these concepts through both understanding and experiential practice. Together, we can create environments where every child's nervous system can find its way back to safety and connection. You can find more info HERE.
Reference: Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258.
